Dirt in the snow
by Cooper Writer Crafter
Summary: Yukina knew for a while that Hiei is her brother. She confronts him about it and slowly persuades a relationship with him. But the supposed sibling love became too much for both to handle. Written in second-person.
1. Grounds to shatter

**Fanfiction Title: **_Dirt in the Snow_

**Anime/Manga Fandom: **Yu Yu Hakusho

**Author: **Harley Cooper

**Pairings: **Yukina / Hiei (family-oriented)

**RATED: T**

**Warning: **_themes of emotional violence, self-loathing and trauma on both twins. There could be possible incestuous, pseudo-sexual feelings that Yukina might develop for Hiei but we'll see how it goes from here first. Yukina's POV would be plenty angsty and may seem out-of-character but I'm examining an angle to her personality; I believe there is a depth to her that is not as saintly as most of us interpret it. And that dark side of hers is what I plan on writing about through second-person narration._

**Summary: **_Yukina knew for a while that Hiei is her brother. She confronts him about it and slowly persuades a relationship with him. But the supposed sibling love became too much for both to handle._

**XXX**

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**Chapter One - Grounds to shatter**

You washed the stains of blood from Momoko's underwear.

The girl always visited Genkai's shrine for almost two months now and she was the only friend you had since you came to live here in human world. Momoko is fifteen and she didn't know it was her time of the month that afternoon. So after she timidly protested but to no avail, you now sat on a corner at the back of the shrine, scrubbing the underwear in your hands. There's nothing to it, really, and you're only glad to assist your friend in need. You had no idea that washing someone's underwear is not considered a normal convention in the human society as you later found out that evening.

The pile of dishes on the sink is your only comfort tonight. Genkai retired to bed, only too accustomed to your habits and rituals. In fact, the old psychic doesn't mind that you enjoy household chores. What else would be there to occupy your fancy? The shrine is your shelter and you consider it vital to keep it in great health.

At six in the morning, you rose to cook breakfast and gather water from the well. You remembered that you need to buy milk and eggs later and you asked Genkai for money and the old woman even requested a pack of cigarettes and some doughnuts.

You examined yourself in the mirror, making sure your hair is tied presentably and that your clothes are neat. You glanced at the calendar on your desk and wondered if Hiei will visit you again.

You stopped momentarily when you thought about him. It took you time to put the pieces together but now you knew that Hiei is the long-lost brother you've been looking for. Perhaps you always knew since there was something so oddly familiar about him. You recall the time he rescued you; that dazed look in his expression when you inquired who he is. He said he's no one. You thanked your curiosity that enables you to probe Botan and the others about him casually; every reaction you get is a clue and then you realized it somehow. You gave him your mother's pearl to insinuate that you already know the truth. And he still kept his damn mouth shut. You admitted you hated the glacial village and that they all deserve to die and he just stares you down and demanded that you shouldn't depend on some phantom twin. And you swallowed your sadness and thanked him.

You don't mind his reasons for not telling but secretly you wish he would just admit it and stop running away from it. You'll ask nothing from him but his acknowledgment that you two are family.

_No, I know better_, you frowned as you began toying the hem of your skirt, _I know I just wanted him to come home to me_.

"Silly me," You chuckled sadly. You put on some sandals and went out.

It became pretty difficult to carry the carton of eggs and the box of doughnuts while walking. You grasped on the bottle of milk on your right hand with all your might. Sooner of later one of these items are going to drop. You kept walking, contemplating that whichever item falls first would be detrimental. The eggs can never be salvaged. The doughnuts can be. The bottle of milk would be the most problematic. You stopped on some corner and bent down to place the bottle of milk on the ground. You do need a bigger plastic bag to carry the eggs and doughnuts in one hand; that's the conceivable solution in this tiny dilemma of yours.

But then where could you leave these items? You could not carry them all the way back to the store to get a plastic bag from the counter. You sigh irritably but you know you had to find a way out of this. Think, little girl, think!

So you stashed the box of doughnuts in an alleyway close to the store. You saw how many garbage cans are around and you suddenly missed the snow; the cold white blanket is better than this filth. And then you thought about your brother Hiei and wondered if he used to eat from garbage while you enjoyed a home-cooked meal.

You headed back to the store hurriedly, the carton of eggs and the bottle of milk clutched protectively against your body. When you got what you needed, you looked for Genkai's food but it was gone. A homeless person might have taken it. It's an unavoidable prospect, really, since it looks like a stupid person dumped it there for anyone's taking. You hated yourself for that. You could have asked for a big plastic bag in the first place as you were buying these items. You thought about that now that's it's too late.

"Silly me," you said aloud.

You don't have enough money to buy doughnuts. You decided to accept your defeat, go home and apologize profusely to Genkai. And yes, you will feel bad that you're inconsiderate to this kind old woman who gave you a roof on top of your head and a place to eat and sleep. It's surprisingly tragic how a box of doughnuts could make you feel so irrelevant.

But you still stood there in the middle of the street, with the carton of eggs inside the plastic bag and the bottle of milk on the other. And you felt useless.

_Why doesn't he just come out and say it? Say it right to my face whenever he visits and stays for dinner. Say it right to my face instead of talking to Genkai about how things are in demon world. _

_Why can't he say it?_ You head back to the shrine, climbing the multitude of stairs with your heart still tucked under your sleeve for good measure. You felt so exposed.

"It's all right, Yukina, you can lift your head up." Genkai lighted her cigarette languidly and blew the smoke away from you. "It's just a craving of mine. It's food, it spoils. I have my cancer stick anyway."

You nod and look at the old psychic with weary eyes. Genkai blinked, eyes narrowing. "You wonder if anyone will come today?"

"Momoko won't be coming. She's going to another country." You remarked. It was silly but maybe Momoko is leaving because you crossed her comfort zone without permission. Washing someone's underwear must be very taboo indeed.

This world is nothing like the glacial village, nothing like it at all.

"How about Kuwabara and his sister?"

"I haven't heard from them but I'm sure they'll call first before they drop by." You answered, one hand on top of the other as you stood there in front of Genkai.

The old woman paused and then she asked. "And Hiei? Have you heard from him?"

"No." You looked off, kept your stance relaxed.

"Well, I heard from him."

"Oh." You fought not to squirm, commanded your facial muscles not to react to that. It's not a difficult thing to do anyway. You got enough skill in you to practice faking apathy, thanks to the times you were repeatedly tortured by greedy humans to shed your precious pearls. No, you're not thankful for that, that's just wrong. But the pain you have undergone brought you closer to your brother's, perhaps. Every night while you were held captive you wondered if he suffered as much as you have or worse; this kept you stiff and resilient to more horrors to come. You believed you should be punished because your twin had no one to care for him.

"He says he'll love to join us for dinner."

He'll _love_ to join _them_ for _dinner_? Not exactly the kind of statement he would use. You know that he probably just agreed with Genkai because the old woman can be persuasive. You imagine your brother's discomfort and how devoid of any courtesy and feeling his response would have been. It's always like that with your brother as you figured out later; crude and simple.

"He's here."

You close your eyes, opened them again, took one deep breath and turned around. Your twin brother stood there, hands shoved inside his pockets. He was a dark sight because his clothes are the same murky color of black and red but you didn't care. He's here.

"Good morning." You greeted him courteously but you avoided sounding too eager. You also tried to ignore the sudden urge to approach him closer than what is expected from you.

"You're early, Hiei." Genkai lit up another cigarette after discarding the last one. "Or did you forget that dinner happens during night time?"

A scoff, a smirk here, Hiei walked past you, eyes on Genkai the whole time he spoke. "I suppose there is a good reason why you want me to eat here again."

"Isn't seeing Yukina reason enough?" Genkai offhandedly replied.

A twitch, another scoff, Hiei glanced briefly at you. "The old hag has gone senile. You better watch out for her."

"I don't mean to be rude but your observation is not correct." Genkai stretched her legs and yawned. "Have you eaten breakfast?"

"I don't need to eat." Hiei expressed his aversion quite well on his face. You spend quite some time staring at that face, every detail, and every change in mood that occurs. You were sure your brother noticed and he didn't mind.

Genkai released some smoke, soothing her lips with a finger. "I'd better leave now. I guess I really wanted those doughnuts after all."

"Oh!" You said. "I'm sorry. I should be the one to go back there and—"

"You should stay here, entertain our guest." Genkai interjected. "I should be able to get my own crap before I become senile for good."

She winked at you and started walking away.

While Genkai walked off, you turned to Hiei and bowed your head. "I apologize for any inconvenience I might have caused you again. Master Genkai keeps requesting for your presence only because she knows I'm too shy to ask for it myself."

For a moment Hiei could only look at you. You just blurted out that you wanted his company and he didn't want that kind of intimacy with you. He spent a great deal lurking in the shadows and looking out for you but that is all.

Still he answers, "it's fine."

"Your transportation to human world must be very uncomfortable." You continued. "I'm sorry to put you through that again."

"It's fine."

"Let me make it up to you later." You looked at his face earnestly, your eyes steady. "But are you sure you don't want me to serve you breakfast? At least lunch, Hiei-san, if you care to."

_He doesn't want me._

"I'm okay." Hiei kept responding in a strange monotone.

"Do you want to talk?" you offered.

Hiei suddenly looked bewildered as if he only noticed you for the first time. You couldn't blame him; this was the only time that the two of you are alone without Genkai facilitating means and length of the conversation.

"I started learning how to cook," you said. "I've only been here for five months but it's safe to say my life now is very satisfactory. Kazuma-san and Shizuru-san visit often and bring me some books to read or music to listen to."

_He doesn't have to know how I'm doing. Ask him how he's doing. _

_I'm the lucky one. I wasn't thrown in a cliff and left for dead like he was._

"That's good then." Hiei finally answered after he just stood there, eyes slightly wide, listening to you talk.

You gazed into his eyes silently. You should say something to keep this going, to achieve some sort of progress from this, from him. But his eyes were a darker shade of crimson than yours and it's getting harder by every second to look away. You're the same people, same thoughts and feelings; maybe different actions and experiences...but still very the same.

_I'm your family._ "Hiei-san, would you like some tea?"

"That's fine." Hiei followed you inside and you noticed he kept his distance while trailing behind you. You're not sure you liked that but do you have a choice? This is just borrowed time and you should just make the most of it.

"It's ginger tea." You told him as you placed the cup in front of him. You poured the tea on it and your hand started quivering. You don't know why and he noticed but he chose to say nothing about it. So you forced to keep your smile on and steady yourself. Still, clumsy as you are, you dropped the kettle but he quickly caught it on his hand, unaffected by the hot temperature. You gasped, apologized over and over. You saw that his clothing was drenched. He told you it's fine, it's okay.

_It's not._ "Please, let me help you clean up."

"I can do it myself." Hiei placed the kettle on the table as you began pressing a clean cloth on his clothes so it could absorb the—

"Stop." Hiei grabbed your wrist tightly. You looked at him, terrified.

"I'm sorry."

"No, I'm—" Hiei lets you go and looks off. He sat there looking at nothing as you knelt beside him, your hand immobile from the portion of his wet clothing. You withdrew. You wanted to give up.

"You don't want me to touch you," you said without realizing it. Hiei must have looked at you in surprise but you couldn't tell since your eyes are still at your lap, at your awful, intruding hands.

"Yukina?" he said you name softly, inquiring what you're feeling, maybe? Isn't he far gone and messed up to care?

"I shouldn't have done that." You managed to smile weakly as you looked up. "It's my fault."

_It's always been my fault. I'm sorry I couldn't help you feel better. I'm sorry I couldn't do anything more but to watch you hate what our people have done to you._

"It's my fault." You repeated silently.

"Do you want me to go?" He asked.

"You can stay." _And let me make it feel better._

"Okay." Hiei sighed and just sat there and you can feel him watching you but you're looking at your lap again, at your hands that almost wanted to touch his face and body and soul. _Silly me._

"Where's that old hag?" Hiei looked behind him, growing impatient.

"I'm sorry, Hiei-san." You said. "If you wish to leave then I don't have a problem with that. I think this room is not big enough for the both of us."

_You can run back to demon world, you can let time and space divide us because if you don't want to be here, then just go. _

"I don't want you here." You managed to say, your voice colder than you expected.

He stood up. You surprised yourself when you reached out and pulled him into your arms. Your arms are around him just like that. You only realized what you had done when Hiei remained stone-like but tense in your rushed gesture to claim him and his breathing matched yours in confusion...and in a tinge of eagerness that you made him feel and he is now returning back to you even though it was hesitantly done. You withdrew and you can see he looks stunned. And so close. Close enough that you could press into him and melt his skin into yours and it would be feel like you weren't separated from birth at all. Close enough that he is actually a part of you, the discarded infant that nobody from back home wanted, except this dense girl who believes there is something in him to love. When he made a move away from you, you weren't thinking straight anymore so you took him by the shoulders and buried your face on his chest. So selfish of you; you didn't want him to just leave you empty there, not this time. Hiei then moved his hands to your back, supporting your weight. The two of you just stayed like that.

"I'm sorry," you whispered. That hateful word: _sorry_. It gives people the wrong idea that a mistake can be fixed by one word.

"It was never your fault, Yukina."

You looked at him, your eyes tearless. But you wanted to cry so you could give him your tears and perhaps that would make up for what he had to go through because of your people's crime and their atrocity that scarred him deep.

But instead you told him, "you don't know anything."

"Neither do you." Hiei's face darkened. "So stop this."

"I love you, brother." You panicked. You babbled. "If you don't think I am your home then I don't want you here anymore. You can go. But know that I love you. I love you, brother, I do! I love—"

"Stop." Hiei stayed where he is and you could hear his breath speed up.

"You choose not to believe me, I understand." You kept going. "You think I don't feel how you feel. And I don't, you're right. But I love you."

_I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you..._

"Stop."

To anybody else, this outpour of emotions called love would help but your brother's ailment is far too rotten to cure. So yes, he's right, you should shut the hell up. Your love doesn't comfort him, it only pisses him off.

"Then go!" You wanted to hit him, shake him back to sanity. "Go away and don't come back here if you can't accept that! You don't belong here if you believe so yourself. You don't want to belong here with me! So go!"

You start pushing him out of the room now with all the force your body can give. Hiei didn't struggle; he allowed your fists to clutch his sleeves, to tear him to pieces. You pushed until both of you were outside. You close your eyes, blinded by tears that should never come. You're embarrassed to death and Hiei was silent, his hands gently grasping on your wrists as you push him off, shove him and make him feel unwanted. And the next instant, while the two of you tugged and held onto each other, he was murmuring, "it's okay" and he means it for he keeps saying it and you wonder why he does. You know it's not okay and he's shouldn't mean it at all.

"Go!" You screamed and started choking, sobbing. He held your wrists up, like he doesn't want you to cover your face with them. Maybe he wants to see you cry. He wants to see you in pain. So you gave him that, it's all you could give him for now. It will never make up for the kind of hell he must have endured. You know that the Jagan eye he had implanted on him must've stung. You know why he's moody and sulking in corners when everyone else is having a good time. You know why his childhood was tainted with nothing but blood and sin. It's your fault, you and the other ice apparitions. Oh, how you hate your breed, treating everyone like dirt in their perfect snow.

You feel like collapsing to your knees but the strength of his hands on you kept you on foot. Your eyes are half-opened, seeing his own eyes with the same hue of red like yours flickering with concern. _Stop caring about me_! But you can't say it right now, your throat, your nose, your eyes are clogging, pouring out. A flood of pearls hit the ground you both stood on. He didn't stop you, he lets you cry.

**XXX**

Hiei carried you back inside, collected you in his arms when he's not supposed to because you don't deserve his kindness and you wondered what he was thinking right now. You were hysterical and you wondered how it made him feel.

He thought you were asleep but you were faking. But either way he was dying to get away and ends up destroying some trees around the shrine. And you can hear him slashing trunks with his katana. While he remained outside slaughtering anything that comes in contact with his sword, you begged for his forgiveness in your semi-sluggish condition. He has to forgive you for toying with his good intentions like that, shouting for him to go. He was already thrown off a cliff, Yukina, why do you have to torment him some more? He came to have dinner, although begrudgingly, but that doesn't change the fact that he's here to spend time with you, to share a table and eat with you and pretend, even for a short time, that nothing is broken.

You crawl close to the door and listened. You heard Genkai. "You know, those trees are older than you."

"I don't think so." Hiei answered. "And neither are you."

"So much for respecting your elders." Genkai remarked. "What happened? Is your sister okay?"

"She's tired. She went to sleep."

"Whatever you say." Genkai said. "You're lucky I don't interfere with family qualms especially of this sort. But you're gonna have to talk to her."

"I don't remember asking for an advice."

"You're still getting one, asshole. For someone older than I am, you sure act like a brat. You make me miss Yusuke and I don't like that."

"I'll handle it the way I see fit."

"Okay, genius. Now stop cutting down my damn trees."

You went back to your futon. You buried your face in the pillow and tried to suffocate yourself if it saves your brother the trouble of confronting you. But no, you shouldn't be unfair to him; you should give a chance to talk to you about everything. And you will listen. You will spend all day just listening to him if that's what it takes. You have to find a way, a way for him to feel he belongs with you. You know you're being selfish because you did leave the glacial village to find him; because you wanted him for yourself; you wanted your brother to complete a small fracture of whatever family the two of you can conceive. But you'll hold back that information for now. You should hear him out first. You should listen.

**XXX**

Your brother stayed in the shrine, supposedly waiting for you to wake up. When you did, Genkai pointed the direction to where he is and you found him resting under a tree. His defenses are down when he sleeps, as you can see, and you were almost hypnotized that you stood there and watched him. He could feel you staring. He cracked open his eyes and gazed at you. His expression was unreadable but he didn't seem mad. _He should be_. You bowed your head, ready to render another vain apology when he stopped you. He got up to his feet and looked at you and you were forced to keep your mouth shut. With that one look you forgot how to breathe.

"Hiei-san," you managed to greet him.

"Are you feeling much better?" he asked. You want to tell him that your welfare is irrelevant but instead you told him you're fine.

He looked at your face with that dazed expression again from the first time you met. He is warm but not warm like he-finds-you-endearing-warm, just warm. You cleared your throat and told him you were embarrassed for your previous actions and words and you hope that he will find no bad intent. Hiei just nods.

"Yukina," he begins, pauses. He didn't speak up for two minutes after saying your name. And then he says, "I never should have come here."

"But you had. Thank you."

"You're doing great, you told me that yourself." He went on, "I don't want to get in the way of that."

"It's not like I earned it." You looked off, pained.

"Stop saying foolish things." Hiei scolded you mildly, apparently unimpressed with your self-pity. "You got here because there are people who cared enough to see you happy."

That didn't help the guilt kicking you in your heart. You glanced back at him and shook your head. "Not when you suffer amidst my good health."

"This is one of the reasons I never revealed that I was your brother." He explained, his expression soft and apologetic.

"I know." You assured him. "You care about me."

His eyes widened, he couldn't believe you just said that. You almost died when you saw that it seemed to shake him and you feel bad that you caused it. But it must have been true because he confirmed it with a sigh.

"I won't gloat and act like I have a right to you." You told him, tried to convince him. "But it would grant me peace if I could be part of your life somehow; maybe not all the way or maybe not right now...but hopefully we could work something out."

Hiei listened and his eyes never left yours as if he is searching for something there, something he could find if he looked harder enough. You dared yourself to take a step forward and when you did, he just watched. You stepped forward again. And again. And you can detect his uncertainty when you pressed a hand on his chest.

Your touch affects him in ways you could never understand. He lived a terrible life and was forced to survive as a criminal and surely you could at least comprehend that. You know he was never cared for and so this simple gesture is too strange to him. But you appreciated how he meekly lets your hand stay where it is, on his heart, reaching for a core underneath.

"Human hearts beat, you know." You told him. "Kazuma-san once let me feel his heartbeat. It's an amazing thing; it's like listening to a soul's sound while it lives."

"Unfortunate that we don't have that privilege." Hiei sounded sarcastic but you understood why he always retorts this way.

"Are you wearing the necklace?" you ask.

And he shows it to you. He had two of them now and he said that you should get yours back. You refused, you said it's your gift. Your brother simply shrugged his shoulders and waited for you to say something else.

Removing your hand from his chest, you kept your eyes on his face and you only realized now that he had scars on his cheeks and even though you wanted to ask how he got it, you're still afraid your concern will be rejected.

"What do you want for dinner?" you decided to keep the mood light. Your brother gazes upon you like you're some kind of a saint. You feel his eyes burn on you whenever he thinks of you this way; you knew he does even when he doesn't speak it. And it bothers you that he's doing it right now.

"Anything will do."

"Like the last time?"

"Yes."

You glanced at the clock and then across the sky. Sighing and brushing a loose strand of hair from your face, you smiled at him.

He just stared at you and shoved his hands back in his pockets. It was almost ten in the morning and you haven't eaten anything yet. But it seemed to be the least of your priorities right now. Right now you want to talk to your brother and get to know him. He sometimes raises his eyebrow when you inquire about that Mukuro he is living with back in demon world; especially when you used the term 'living with.' You noticed a cast of shadow in his features. He doesn't like that but he said nothing. You picked up on this subtle vibe and started thinking about other things you can talk to him about.

"Kazuma-san asked me if there is a custom in demon world where two individuals can be bound by a contract that lasts for a lifetime; a male and female of the same species, that is, bound as one."

"Was he specific on his intent or was he simply stumbling again inside the haze of his stupidity?" he bitterly retorted.

"You don't like him," you pointed out the obvious. "He's very thoughtful and caring, Hiei-san. I think that you two could along quite well if..."

If what, Yukina? You don't even know how to continue that sentence.

But your brother ignores your sentiment. He clearly doesn't want that kind of relationship with Kazuma and so he asked instead. "And what is this contract he speaks about?"

"Marriage, the humans call it that."

"I heard it from Yusuke once. The male proposes to the female and if the female accepts, there is some kind of ceremony to unite them."

"They wear white garments." You added. "And they put rings on each other."

"To symbolize property, no doubt."

You frown. "I think the said ornament is more of a symbol for their devotion."

Hiei scoffed under his breath and you wonder if he's bored around you. You bite your lip and even though you wanted to ask, you didn't.

"So did Kayko say yes?"

He looked at you, confused for a moment. And then he answered, "I don't know, Yusuke and I don't exactly hang around that much. Kayko is here. Does she not visit you?"

"Not for quite some time. She's busy with school."

"Ah, _school_." Hiei said the word as if it offended him. "Education is a fluke to keep the young humans sheltered and behaved inside an institution that controls them."

"I think schools and education are important for someone to be literate."

Your brother gives a cold glare and this silenced you. He softened a little when he saw you looking down on your feet again. He said. "I'm sure some people can find it useful. Kurama has been accustomed to such practice so I guess..."

You know this is his way of apologizing for being so blunt about the discussion. You're both unsure how to act around one another, treading on an invisible line that will snap if both of you are not paying attention. Your brother isn't used to your presence just yet and even in this small exchange of opinions you already formed a disagreement.

"I heard the demon world is quite peaceful now," you resumed. "And it must be very nice for you to help facilitate it."

The remark caused him to look at you blankly. You know he doesn't care about things like that but you wanted him to; you wanted him to care about the goodness in both worlds because if he does he might just see things differently, in a more serene perspective. You waited for his response.

He said. "It's fine. Nothing interesting happens lately, save the occasional dumb humans stepping on the territory. It's a chore."

There is still hostility in his manner of speaking but you try to believe this isn't because he doesn't like talking to you. "Oh, in that case, you can always come here then if you don't have better things to do." You wave your hands in front of you. "But that is just a suggestion, of course."

Your brother nods, to your pleasant amazement. "Why not," he says.

This is going smoothly than you expected. You smiled wider, blushing and he noticed it and he looks off somewhere, suddenly reluctant to look you in the eye. But it's all well, he's opening up to you. If you're patient enough, he can be with you and you can be with him. You'll be his home and your mother, bless her, would be so happy to see her children united.

"Kazuma-san asked me about marriage because he wondered if he could marry me."

"What?" the shock and rage in your brother's voice puzzled you.

"I told him that I never thought about it."

"He has a death wish." Hiei clenched his jaw and fell silent after that.

"I think it was sweet of him to ask." You tried to console him. "Kazuma-san genuinely cares about me. He's one of the people you said who cares to see me happy. Like yourself."

"That's a bleak comparison."

You know you shouldn't but you chuckled at his comment. His mood swings don't scare you anymore and his stance stopped being rigid. You can see his shoulders relax and his face calm.

So you felt confident when you told him you are hungry and you need to eat. He looks at you and asks why you told him that just now and you know that he could tell you were ignoring your hunger to spend time talking to him. He didn't like that but you told him that you're your own person and if you choose to do things, sacrifice little comforts, to spend time with your family then that's non-negotiable. He shuts up after this and you see a faint color of blush on his cheeks that made you wish you've met him earlier in life. Or better yet; that you should've been thrown to the cliff together with him. It's a morbid thought but it doesn't scare you like it should.

It even grants you peace.


	2. Dance on your eggshells

**XXX**

**Chapter 2 – Dance on your eggshells**

Dinner starts at seven.

This is only the third time Hiei has eaten with you and Genkai but you had developed a ritual while setting the table. You first pick some fresh dandelions, pour water on the vase and display the flowers at the very center of the table. You spread out this lovely white linen across the area, smoothing the creases even though you ironed the cloth almost everyday, clearly hoping you will be able to flaunt it once again in your brother's presence like the last time. You stitched it yourself, you told Genkai, and the old woman told Hiei as a passing statement during conversation. You then scoop three bowls of rice and lay down a cup of hot noodles beside each bowl. Since the table is small, you and Genkai sat across each other while Hiei sits between the two of you and this forms a triangle you're very comfortable with. Genkai could always start talking and Hiei listens and you respond to Genkai; occasionally Hiei remarks about something he finds irritating or dull and you listen with a smile. The charade was less tense tonight. The elephant in the room was poked with a stick and never truly left but you were much more assured that things will be different between you and your brother. You hoped.

Hiei sulks, twisting the noodles with his chop sticks. You wonder if your presentation isn't enough to encourage his appetite. You sneak glances at him as you take small bites from your fried shrimp. Your brother then looks at you briefly. He proceeds to eat. You wanted to watch this but it would look quite dumb if you do and Genkai was already staring at you while sipping her tea. Still, you processed everything Hiei did on that dinner table; how he sips the soup first before digging in for the noodles; how he stabs the rice with one chop stick and then asking you to pass the plate of fried shrimps. You processed the way he didn't eat the shrimp tails and kept them on the side of his finished cup of noodles; the way he munched, perpetually frowning, closing his eyes, knowing you're looking but ignoring you all the while.

When you were all done eating, your brother surprises you when he takes the empty bowls to the kitchen himself. You picked up the cups and walked briskly beside him, panicking because he was your guest and you're the one who's supposed to take care all of this.

"Hiei-san, it's really okay." You say. "I'm going to wash them now. You go ahead and drink some ginger tea. I boiled it myself."

But he stayed the whole time you were on the sink and washing the dishes. You smile whenever your eyes meet and the dazed expression on his face is starting to grow on you. You ask him. "So what do you think?"

"Of what?" he crosses his arms, eyeing your soapy hands.

"This," you smile, glancing around. "All of this."

Hiei blinks and then he lets out a thoughtful sigh. He points at your soapy hands. "You do this everyday? Cleaning, cooking and other boring human trivialities?"

"Hiei-san, these activities are not exclusively for humans. I used to clean and cook back in the glacial village." You pause, thinking of another topic of conversation because talking about the glacial village sickens you. "How's democracy going for Demon World these days?"

"Boring and trivial."

"Like almost all things you encounter, am I right?" you teased. He shot you a glare that barely meant anything.

"Not my problem that I'm surrounded by boring trivialities everywhere I go."

"Here I was thinking that your life must have been so dangerous," you wonder if you should pursue that direction. You wonder if he wants to talk about it.

"Some days it could be worth living for," Hiei looked off, apparently unfazed. "...my life. Hmp, I deal with so much bullshit I forget where everything ends and where I begin."

You looked at his contemplative face and suddenly wanted to offer some comforting words of wisdom but you don't have any. You're just like him some days too; your life is a big joke. "My life is a hole where you can see tiny angels weeping."

Hiei looks back at you, frowning. "But it's better now. It is, Yukina. You said so yourself that you're happy here."

"I want you to be happy." You admitted. "Is it so bad for me to wish that?"

"No," Hiei looks down, uncrosses his arms, shoves his hands inside his pockets, and mumbles something incoherently. He says, "You're kind enough to think about me. And you have no obligation to do that."

"I care like this not because I feel obliged, Hiei," you say, "I care because I can't _not care_ about you the way I do and...always will."

"Okay." He replies. He looks at your face, searching for something there. And then he stares at your hands wiping the bowls clean.

"This isn't going to be easy for the both of us, you know. Being together like this is still painfully awkward. I don't know how to be myself around you because I haven't been me for a long time." You tell him. "I get up every morning and create this version of me I like but I know what I was before I discovered what a lie the glacial people had put me up with...that 'me' was all gone. And then bad stuff started to pile up and I find myself imprisoned by some goon who makes my tear gems marketable."

Your brother stays silent the whole time you speak of this. You wonder again how he's taking it and if you even have the right to unload this on him. But these thoughts are on the very back of your mind. You were so engrossed on telling him every detail he has to know about you. You wanted him to think that he can open up to you too like what you're doing now.

"Meeting Kazuma-san and the others was an instant relief I am always thankful for. Genkai takes care of me and I take care of her home. She's so good to me. I guess I am having a nice life right now. But there's this weird part of me that thinks I'll be in some cage again. There's no way of knowing how life is going to be weeks or months or years from now. Everything changes and in my track record, it always seems to be for the worse." You arranged the bowls inside the cupboard and wiped your hands with a towel. You faced him, going on. "What I'm trying to tell you, Hiei-san, _brother_, is that I need something to grab onto when there's no rhyme or reason. And I want you to trust me enough and let me be something you can grab onto when you got nothing else out there."

Hiei nods, still awfully quiet that in his silence your heartbeat, if you ever were human and had one, might be banging loudly against your chest right now. You kept on, "So stay here when you had nowhere to go. Stay here with me when you're worrying about something. You can come here and we can talk. Or just sit on a corner and brood together if that's what you're used to. I'd like to see things the way you see it. And if you just let me make something out of this blood relation we have, something I can call mine, then I'd be so grateful because maybe, if I'll ever go inside another cage, it'd be with you and whatever it is we could build...as—you know..."

You gulped, trying to remember how to breathe. "...as family…?"

"Yukina," he begins as soon as you finished uttering that taboo word. "You shared enough for one day. It's best if you take a rest now."

You want to protest but you can't keep forcing him to be something you like, something _yours_, you just can't. So you nod, and your frightened inner child starts cowering inside your veins and you scold her, warning her not to cry.

"If it's okay, I'd like to sit by your window tonight as you sleep." He says this very softly, like it's a secret he's embarrassed of.

You smiled again. "Yes, I could use the company. I'm not really feeling that sleepy. But we could go to my room now and we could watch the moon and the sky...whatever, you know."

You need to stop with your gibberish. You scold yourself for that too. But Hiei just agrees and follows you.

Your room was a vacant place with a bed, a table, a closet and a mirror. The space is wide for six people to sleep on but you preferred most of it empty. "When it's full moon, the floor lights up," you told your brother. "So I kept the furniture to a minimum because I like how my room glows with moonlight."

"I see." Hiei stands beside the window, looking out. You were on your mattress, clutching your pillow and anxiety sweeps on you, reminding you that this is the first time in many, many years you're alone with your twin. The longing to be one with someone who is of your flesh and blood begins to violently torment you. Hiei was looking at you. His face seems dark when he's standing with the moon behind him like that.

"I have an extra pillow and a blanket in case you want to get cozy." You offered. "It'd be nice if you stay for the night."

"The tree is cozy enough." He remarks.

"But it's too far from me." You tried not to sound too eager. "I know you're used to looking in but now you should get used to actually be _here_ with me."

Your brother sits down, leaning his back on the wall for support. He was just looking at you. He must be baffled by everything you were putting him through. You started to undo the braids in your hair, looking down at your lap as you can hear his breathing relax. You took a comb from your table and started brushing in front of the mirror. You thought about a haircut. You always wanted to know how you would like with something shorter. You asked Hiei about this.

"Whatever you want, Yukina." He says with disinterest.

You stare at him through the mirror. "There's a festival of some sorts tomorrow evening. Is it possible for you to be free of duties in the other realm?"

"You want me to accompany you to some human festivity?" he sounded annoyed.

"If you're free..." you muttered almost to yourself.

"I'll see if I can but no promises." He tells you.

You exhale air. "Brother?"

No answer at first. You were about to berate yourself for addressing him like that when he spoke. "Is there anything else?"

Here goes. "Can you sleep beside me in my futon?"

You still faced the mirror as you closed your eyes and stopped brushing your hair for a second, waiting so long for his response that it was about to rip you into shreds. You heard Hiei adjust his position on the floor but he still didn't say anything.

You should take it back this instant! Apologize like it's life-and-death to you! He must find a way to forgive you for such a blatantly offensive—

"Just a pillow, Yukina. I don't need blankets when I sleep."

Your chest collapsed in joy.

**XXX**

Both you and your brother didn't sleep. It was almost two in the morning.

You both lay down on your backs, staring at the ceiling, neither of you saying a word to each other.

The silence was unspeakably eerie so you shattered it. "Are you sure you don't feel chilly? I got plenty of room here in my blanket."

Whatever made you suggest that was beyond disgraceful, you thought, but Hiei didn't seem to mind. He answered. "I'm conceived by fire, if you remember, I never feel cold, Yukina. And you don't either, last time I checked."

"That's a very good point." You sighed. "I guess I was looking for an excuse to—oh no, never mind."

"Ah." He simply said for no particular reason. He paused for several seconds and then he asked. "So why aren't you sleeping?"

"I just don't know how to anymore."

"Since when?"

"Since you're lying beside me, too real for comfort."

"I should go then?" he inquired.

"No, this is nice." Silence ensues once more.

"Okay, um, Hiei?" You squirmed and brought yourself closer beside him. He stayed still, eyes gazing blankly in the ceiling. He didn't move a muscle, he didn't tense up. So you searched for his hand, found it, held it. You waited for five minutes before you shifted to your left so you could look at him this time.

"I have so many questions to ask." You began. "So can I?"

Hiei coughed abruptly and his hand remained unresponsive to you but you held it anyway, your palms and fingers touching.

"How did you survive being thrown into a cliff?"

Your brother continued to address the ceiling. "A bandit found me. I was raised by thieves since then. Until I got too messed up for their own sake that they've also abandoned me. And then I was alone again."

"When—um, I bet you're a swordsman at a young age. So when did you—start, um, using your skills to render violence?"

"I killed for no principles. I just like the screams and the blood." There was a distinct sound of foreboding in his statement that made you shiver. But you gulped your apprehension and held onto his hand tighter. He still didn't hold back.

"What happened to you while you were alone?"

"I kill."

"Just that?"

"I train to get stronger."

"And when did you decide to have the Jagan implanted?"

"I was bored one day and I wanted to find the glacial village and kill all of you." He replied in a monotone that you recognized. He was trying to hide something. Should you pursue that, make him tell you? You knew you can coax him. You just have to be braver and firmer.

"Just like that? Bored and murderous for the home you never had?"

He said nothing.

"And what about the tear gem? I knew you had the necklace back then. When did you lose it?"

"I guess I wanted to find that too so I got the Jagan."

"You said you wanted to kill the glacial people but why didn't you once you got there? What did you do?" You were getting nearer the truth and you pressed on the thick glass some more. "Were you ever aware of my existence back then?"

"That woman told me about you, about Hina."

You closed your eyes. "Hina; she was gone even before I could remember what she looked like. Our mother was very depressed when she lost you."

Hiei finally looked at you. Your eyes stayed glued on each other. It was his turn to ask. "And why did you come looking for me? You said you wanted that frigid hellhole destroyed too, as I recall you telling me. Why would you want that?"

You blink away the tears falling. He can see them but he didn't say anything to make them go away. You answered. "I wanted them all dead because everything I was back then was a lie. My mother lived a lie until she couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know her. And I didn't know you. Just imagine, and which I know you can: not knowing the two people in your life you could have loved."

Hiei looked away first. He didn't hold your hand back, he didn't acknowledge your tears. He said. "I don't imagine it. I don't have to imagine it. It's there. And that's that."

"You ever get sad and scared? You know, feel so small, so _irrelevant_?" You wiped your tears with the hand you were holding his with. When you did, it was _his hand_ that touched your face and took the tear gems away.

Your brother looked at you again, eyes curious, as if he finally can see your eyes blurred by the precious stones. You said. "Listen to me, whining about how I feel when you must have felt worse. It's just that I feel like the only way I could get through you is if I bear my misery and then maybe you'll bear me yours. But I get it now, Hiei, you are strong. You know how to deal with it and you just keep moving forward. You were..."

You can't help it, you have shattered too much silence between the two of you. "...the lucky one. You were the lucky one, brother. It sounds like I'm patronizing you but it's true. You cut yourself from your past and chose not to be burdened by it. While here I am, loathing the way I feel was lost and hoping so bad I can find it back. So stupid. So silly of me."

And you laughed while crying. Hiei gripped your hand at last. You just kept going, letting it all out, and emptying what is already empty. "I wasn't even the one who got disposed of. I wasn't even the one who had to kill to survive. And when I got caught as merchandise for the human trade, there is this ugly voice in my head saying that, since I am such a drama queen, I deserved it. Maybe I did. I was always feeling sorry for having a mother who killed herself for a brother I never knew. Story of my life, it's pathetic. I'm sorry, I'm crying again and I just—"

Hiei pulled you up from under the covers until both of you were sitting now, his arms wrapped around you for support. He said nothing and you can see through your watery eyes that his face was inscrutable. But all of this, from his arms around you to his blank expression, was comfortable.

"Our mother loved you enough to kill herself for you." You cried out. "And sometimes I blame you for that. I didn't even know you and she seemed to have loved you more. _Because she could have lived for me but she chose to die for you instead."_

You sobbed quietly into his shoulder for about half an hour, judging by how many pearls are scattered on the mattress. Your eyes are sore and shut and his arms bound you, his lips grazing your scalp as he breathes out.

You hear your brother saying something and you tried to focus on his words. "We don't have to pretend like nothing is broken. We don't have to restore anything or build something else. We can just have this. And live with it."

"Together?" You wished with all your might he'll say yes. He didn't. He just embraced you protectively until you slept. The sky outside turns sallow with tiny cracks of light appearing inside the clouds. You slept.

**XXX**

Genkai found you and your brother tangled up together in the futon. Somewhere during the commotion, you both collapsed into formless entities still holding onto each other. You were half-awake by then as you could feel Genkai fixing the blankets draping on you two. Hiei had an arm secure behind your back as he held your hand with the other. You felt your foreheads pressed together.

Genkai was wishing both of you peace before she left. When you smiled, another tear gem rolls down your cheek and crystallized into a bright orb of blue. You have hope now. And you and your brother will have this, live with it.


	3. Hold on, hold back, hold tight

**XXX**

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**Chapter 3 – Hold on, hold back, hold tight**

"That's a lot of work, Yukina. Are you sure you can finish that all by yourself?"

"I have to. I only have until tonight."

Genkai chuckles. "I can help you with that if you want, dear. All you have to do is ask." She lights a cigarette.

You look up at her and smiled. "It's okay. I appreciate all the help, Genkai-san, but I'd rather do it all by myself, really. But thanks again."

"I like the colors." Genkai pointed at the black and violet garments. "You sew pretty fast, by the way. I think if you just stay here for another three hours, you might finish that by the time the festival starts."

"And that's the plan." You beamed, pulling the needle out of the cloth, the thread passing through the layer. "This is just a sketch for me. I'll be using the sewing machine next once I patch the clothes together."

"And the design is all in your head?"

"You know I make my own clothes, Genkai-san," you tell her. "My brother and I are the same height. Not to brag but I'm good with clothes and I'm sure that by the time I'm done, this would fit him perfectly."

Genkai nods, blowing out an air of smoke. "This is the happiest time I've seen you in months, Yukina. I'm glad."

"Thank you." You glanced at her. "For everything, I mean."

The old woman waves you off, chuckling, and then she leaves you to your chore.

You're not even sure at all if he'll come. He didn't make promises. But earlier today while you listened to the sound of him sleeping, his breath washing over you, a sense of wonder has grown excruciatingly inside you. You start to believe things will start getting better as long as he stays around and this fuels your hope even fiercely. _Like fire_, you thought as he lets out a grunt, mumbling something. And then he snaps his eyes open, searches for you in the semi-darkness of the early morning and asks you what you're doing.

"Watching you sleep." You crinkle your nose, giggling. "I know I'm weird, right?"

Hiei sits up, yawning. He squints at you and says, "You're all right."

"Look," you started picking up five tear gems from last night. "There are so many of them. I don't think I've cried that much before; and I mean including the time I was being forced to." You didn't know why you giggled again.

Your brother must think you're losing your mind but instead he helps you pick up the jewels, keeping his oath of silence. You fixed the blankets and pillows while he gathered the pearls. Suddenly everything else, from the naked sorrow up to the point of absolution, is making you feel like you've reached heights just by taking about all the things you've tucked inside. And you told him about this. "I feel so much more intact," you say and he stares at you, nods and pockets the gems. "What are you going to do with them?"

"They present a lot of 'money value' to humans." He explains. "Perhaps I could sell them to a tradesman in demon world in exchange for some ancient weapon or something. Do you mind?"

"You're lying to me again." You shake your head, smiling. "You always lie to me. Is it so much better to act like you need to hurt me so I'll be the first one to push you away?"

"I don't act like that." He looks mad. "Why would I even hurt you, let alone act it?"

"What I mean to say is that you say things that you think would make me run to the opposite direction." You took the comb and started brushing your hair, watching his face in the mirror. "Like now. You wouldn't give away those pearls. And you know it. You don't think I do?"

He scoffs. "You're getting too much of a smart mouth for your own good, Yukina."

"I'm just saying!" You faced him, unable to control the laughter. "But come on. Tell me what you intend to do with those pearls."

"I don't know yet." Hiei looks down, flexing the fingers of his right hand. "I suppose I could just keep them. Is that what you want me to say?"

"Is it true?" You approach him, taking his hand again, looking into his eyes like you want to be buried in them. "I need it to be true."

"Okay, fine." He narrows his eyes and grips your hand. He still looks annoyed so you wiped the expression on his face with your other hand. This made him gawk in surprise, blinking hard. "What did you do that for?"

"You're so broody." You remark. "It's not even cute anymore."

He glares, at least he tried to but you could already see through him better. "If you're implying something, please be straight with me."

"I'm saying you were cute when you act all tortured." You explained. "But 'were' is the keyword in that statement, brother."

"Where the hell do you get that impression?" He balls his hands into fists but instead of cowering away from him which you would have done if only you were the same girl last night, you stood there, amused. He scoffs louder and there's a glint in his eyes to suggest he, too, was amused.

"And you don't think you're cute?"

"I think of myself as a lot of things. Your reference doesn't come firsthand at all." He mutters this with another look of annoyance crossing his features. And you laugh. He tells you to shut up.

Still laughing, clutching your stomach because the muscles there were starting to hurt, you struggled to tell him, "But you have this charming quality whenever you walk in the room. Don't get me wrong, I know you're scary and I _was_ plenty scared back then. There was something else though."

You cleared your throat, talking more seriously now. "I mean, there was something else beneath that surface. So I gather you were doing this tough-guy persona so people will stay away and don't ask you what's your problem. And you don't like talking about your problems because they distract you from going on with what you have to do."

Hiei listens, his face dazed; that look you were so fond of and remembered so well from the first time you met. That look says his walls have crumbled and you are more than welcome to see his ruins. You take another step forward and surprised both of you when you planted a soft kiss on his lips. It was brief that it seemed like it didn't happen but in a millisecond both of you knew it did. You can feel the contact burning even after it was over. The shock on your faces reflected like you were inside a room of mirrors. He didn't ask you why you did it and you probably don't have the answer. He replies instead. "Since when did you get so insightful?" and scoffs, looking away.

And you smiled. "I discover I can read people well just about a few years ago while I was held captive in human world. You cannot believe how damaged almost all of us are and how easy it is to see the cracks of other people's desolation."

"Yukina," he regards you firmly. "You have to stop making a bed in this hole you made. I recognize the wounds are still tender but don't be so self-conscious about them." He looks at your hand and you know he wants to take it. But he didn't.

"My second advice from my brother," you held your hands together when he couldn't. "It's going to be a great day. And tonight the festival has fireworks that I'd really want to watch with you." You made a slight pained face to indicate you want him to come.

"I said I make no promises." He stares at your hands clasped so perfectly fit together. He didn't take his eyes off them and you know what he could be thinking. You pierced through his line of thought.

_They feel great, don't they_? You communicated telepathically. He jerks his head up and curls his mouth into a reluctant snarl.

_What?_ He asked. _What does?_

_Our hands when they're like this_, you gazed into his crimson eyes and felt yourself orbiting too close. _Don't they mean anything to you?_

Hiei looks back at you and he never looked so unsure in the entire time you knew him. He answers, _I don't know what they're supposed to mean. I'm sorry._

"It's okay," you responded out loud. "I can hold us together by myself. Until you're ready. And you will be."

Your brother slowly disengages and shoves his hands back in his pockets. "I'll be going. I can't stay right now."

"Okay." You watch him jump out of your window, without so much as another glance at you. You confused him again. But tough luck, you understood. "Farewell."

**XXX**

It's time.

You slid into your new kimono and debated putting on a lipstick. Momoko showed you how human girls like to pretty themselves up every time they go out with someone special. This is kind of like that, you thought, a date with your brother. He is special to you and he still doesn't want to believe it. It's making you feel more irrelevant unless you convince him otherwise. But would he even notice the paint on your lips? It's not like lipsticks are something men usually notice, especially someone like your brother. You remember Kazuma telling you that he likes your bare face (this was at the time when Shizuru and Kayko were trying on cosmetics). Perhaps it is better to look like yourself. That sort of honesty would make your brother accept you. Oh no, you're so terrified he still doesn't.

But it's just lipstick and you already bought it. It also looks quite pretty. It's peach plum, the label says, and the texture feels nice and the color is simple. Momoko told you that comfort is the key when it comes to women's products. And so you took a deep breath and started applying it on your lips very carefully, your hand trembling because you don't really know if this will even matter. When you were done, you smacked your lips like Momoko did with her own, you placed the tube of lipstick on your small purse and you checked any stray hairs that you might have missed while you were braiding. Okay, everything is going to be okay, Yukina, you'll do fine, he will be here, just you wait. Over and over, you tell yourself this.

"Yukina?"

"Shit!" you gasped out, turning around to see your brother standing in your window. He looked back at you, surprised. You caught yourself swearing by accident (again) and you bowed. "I-I'm sorry, I-I was just—don't you do that again, please?"

"Okay." Hiei walks over to you, looking you up and down and you blush. But instead of complimenting you, he asked. "I didn't know you can say 'shit.' It's just weird."

"Forget it," you mumble, fiddling your purse, frowning. "I just blurted it out because you took me by surprise."

"I don't want to hear something like that from your mouth again." He sounded displeased and that made you want to throw something. You kept that urge in check, smiled awkwardly and offered your hand.

"Shall we?" you wait for him to take it and when he did, you tried to remember how to breathe.

Walking with Hiei wasn't so bad. Of course there was the occasional relapse when you would point out things he couldn't care less about but for your sake, you knew he pretended like he did. Charming. You held onto his arm, matching his footsteps as you approach the crowd gathering to watch the fireworks.

"Humans and their festivities," Ever socially gracious, your brother. Now you feel depressed. That's not good.

"Your good-natured moods are so much to be desired, Hiei." You remarked, stomping on some kind of a bug on the ground. When you realized you might have just killed an innocent creature, you felt sick.

"Are you okay?" He glanced at you because you were holding on his arm too tightly and you were swaying back and forth, couldn't steady yourself. "You look pale."

"Shame that I do." You mutter. "I'm wearing lipstick."

"Isn't that human stuff?" Hiei inquired, looking at your face, probably examining what this 'lipstick' was.

"Yes, I thought I'll look pretty."

"Why would you want that?" He made it sound so abrasive and even when you knew he didn't mean to, you want to run away from him.

"Because!" You snapped your eyes at him, glaring wildly.

"Okay, I'm sorry I asked." He looked off. Just that, nothing. He didn't comfort you. He didn't say anything nice about your kimono. He just looked away from you like you're disgusting. What were you thinking anyway? You were so brave and confident, thinking things will go your way from now on. It wouldn't. Life is just that, as your brother says, and you're going to have to learn how live with it, even without flying. So let your wings get clipped, little girl, and deal with it.

Just to piss him off (since he clearly just wants to be pissed for the rest of this night), you say, "I'm going to go somewhere to get my _shit _together," making sure you pronounced the dirty word with dignity. You walked off.

"Yukina?" He followed. Somehow this made you feel less irrelevant.

You can't stay mad at him, he didn't do anything wrong. "I'm sorry," you faced him, wrapping your arms around his neck, burying your face on his shoulder. "I was just being rude. Call it some sort of PMS issue."

"A what-now issue?"

"Oh, that's right!" You pulled away, laughing, blinking through the moist in your eyes. "You see, human girls have menstrual periods. This is like a biological process that's part of how their bodies can conceive children. When human girl is able to be impregnated, she bleeds through her female organ and that's called menstrual periods. They happened once a month and girls get very hormonal, always get mood swings and might lash out. They call that phase PMS. I have this friend Momoko and she tells me about it and other stuff. It's all very fascinating."

"Yukina," his face darkened. "You don't have these so-called menstrual periods."

You laughed hard. "I know! I know! Sometimes I adapt the human language so naturally these days. I'm sorry."

"Ah," he scratches his head. He doesn't understand something.

"What's wrong?" you ask.

"It's just—you're very—your moods are fickle." He admits.

"Look who's talking to me about fickle moods."

"Yes, I, uh, guess—okay." He exhales, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Never mind."

"I think we're doing fine together, brother, I do."

Hiei raises an eyebrow. Crossing his arms, he chuckles grimly. "And how is that a good thing, doing 'fine' together?"

"It's better than nothing." You offered. "I mean, what else is there?"

"Okay," he says again.

"You know what else?" You started walking around with him, making sure the two of you stayed close together. "Human mothers have mammary glands that produce milk, in their breasts."

"Mammary glands?"

"Mammals. Humans are under the 'mammals' classification in the animal kingdom."

"Animal kingdom?"

"Mammals, hot-blooded animals who give birth by conception. There are also the amphibians that live both in land and water. Reptiles and birds that bear their offspring through egg-laying. You see what I mean? Then there's fish and insects."

"And humans are mammals?"

"Mammals have mammary glands. Dogs, cats, bears—cows! You know, milk!"

"I know what milk is." Hiei flexes his fingers again. "But around demon world, milk is a scarce luxury, you know that."

"I buy milk in bottles every morning."

"Why?" He blinks at you. "Is it any good?"

You laugh, patting his arm. "Yes! You should try it sometime. You'll probably enjoy consuming it as much as you enjoyed eating rice."

He didn't argue with that. You kept on. "So these mammary glands nurse the newborn baby. Babies suck on their mother's breasts because they can't be fed by anything else while at that age."

"Ah," he says again, pretending that the conversation doesn't interest him but you can see that it does.

"The mother's milk nourishes them, gives them antibodies—"

"Antibodies?"

"They're some sort of fighting organisms inside the human body so the person doesn't get sick. Um, it's part of what they call immune system."

He stopped walking. You looked around and realized the two of you have been cruising around a small pond. Your brother asks, "did you read all this human stuff in some books, Yukina?"

"Most of it, yes." You saw that he was looking at you funny. "Why?"

"You think humans are fascinating, don't you?"

"They are, generally-speaking."

"You mean sans the fact that some of them have tortured and used you?"

You expected this, you knew he will touch that subject again. He knows you were trying to forget but he just has to keep reminding you. And maybe that's a good thing. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and all that. But you feigned offense and looked away from him. "I don't want to talk about that."

"Fine, I'm don't want to either." Hiei kicked something on his foot. "Besides, you're dealing with it the way you see fit."

"I am." You glance at the sky. "The fireworks will be starting fifteen minutes from now. Do you know a good view where we could watch it?"

"A tree." He suggested. "That is if you want to get close enough that you can almost touch the fireworks."

You beamed at the idea. "Oh, that sounds fun!"

He nods. "There's a very high tree beside Genka's temple. We could climb up there. Do you need help with climbing?"

"I can climb trees with my kimono, you know. I used to climb trees even when the elders back in the village forbade me to do it. I guess I also have a rebellious streak after all."

"Climbing trees is hardly a juvenile crime," he comments. "Unless you stole something and climbed a tree to hide."

"Maybe I did steal something."

"You wouldn't." He snorts. "Not in a million centuries you wouldn't."

"You think I'm sort of a saint, don't you?" You challenged, punching him good-humoredly on his arm. He looks at you, puzzled when you did that but when you smiled, he said nothing to contradict you anymore.

The two of you headed back to the temple and despite that Hiei insisted that you really don't know how to climb trees and that he couldn't understand why you would lie about something stupid like that, you put on a brave face and told him that you do and you did manage to climb up that tree by five feet but after that your legs got tired and your hands got blistered. And your brother was down the ground the whole time, perhaps waiting for you to stop proving whatever the hell your point was. So you did and called him up to help you. The fact is you didn't have a point. Momoko has a younger brother and you remember the stories she used to tell you about how her baby brother likes to goof around and play pranks with her and how Momoko gets so mad but by the end of the day, they laugh it off. You want those moments with your own brother, your twin. You wanted to do normal stuff with him everyday, maybe fight a little over nothing like Kazuma and Shizuru. That could be something you can call yours and you have to have it. What else is there?

"Brother?" You were leaning on his shoulder as you sat on the tree branch, watching the fireworks exploding like confused graffiti, leaving dots and smoke across the expanse of dark sky. "I sew you some clothes."

"Clothes?"

"I worked on them for nine hours today. I had to have it finished before the festival starts. I was hoping you'll wear them every time you come here."

"Okay."

"Okay what?" You yawned and licked your lips, tasting the peach plum. "You always say okay but it doesn't mean anything. I want you to use more words to describe how you feel and how you like things to be between us."

"I can't comment further." He tells you. "I just don't like wasting time talking. I come here to see you and I don't feel like talking to you."

"If you do, will you let me know?"

"Yes." He takes your hand. This was progress. You can see how uncomfortable and awkward it was for him when he touched you but you appreciated his effort. He asked. "And why did you have to make me clothes?"

"I want to do something nice to make up for all those years we've lost." You answered. "Hiei, what the glacial village did is something we could never take back and I get that. But at least allow me to make the best of the most horrifying situation ever, okay? And maybe sewing you clothes and you wearing them would be one of those things that would start something, something _ours_."

"I understand that." He looks at his fingers slipping between yours.

"Tell me what you're thinking." You held his hand back. "Please?"

"I'm thinking that..." he trailed. "I don't know. Do I always have to be thinking of something?"

"You look like someone who likes to contemplate."

"Rarely. Mostly when I'm alone, resting."

"How about when you're angry or upset?"

"I kill something." He sneered. "Sometimes I say _shit_ too."

"Stop!" you choked back the laughter. "That is not fair!"

"You don't look like someone who swears, Yukina."

"I was surprised!—and wait, if I don't look like someone who swears, what do I look like? This crappy image of a sweet damsel who sings to animals and waits for her prince charming to come and save her?"

Hiei widens his eyes, pointing at you. "Don't you sing to animals? I recall that you used to play with them back in the village."

"I knew it!" You pointed back. "You watched me a lot. Not at all creepy."

"That was because I wanted to see how you look like."

"And we go back to my original question: what do I look like to you?"

For a while your brother looks like he lost the ability to speak. He stayed mute for over three minutes, just staring at you with the same dazed expression you knew well. You waited, excitement creeping onto you by every second that passes.

"This paint on your lips, the human stuff?" He says, "You should stop wearing it."

"And?"

"You're beautiful, Yukina." He said in a whisper that you heard even if the fireworks boomed all around you. "You always were."

Your lips quivered and you wiped the lipstick off them with the sleeve of your kimono. "I suppose it's only right that I don't wear that stuff anymore."

Hiei nods, pretending to watch the fireworks.

"Thank you for saying that." Taking his hand again, you started to cry. You've been thinking about not doing that but you can't help it. Everything seems such a perfect fit right now that it doesn't even make sense why it has fallen apart in the first place. Your brother grips back your hand gently.

The fireworks were over but you said, "Can we stay here for a while?"

Your brother lets go of your hand for a while as he reaches out for something inside his pocket. He pulls out a string with your tear gems on them and says, "I haven't finished it. There are so many dumb humans wandering around yesterday so work had to come first."

"You are making me a necklace?" your chest felt heavy.

"I don't know what else to do with the gems." He fingers two pearls and hands them to you. "Anyway, this might be the only time I could finish this up. So do you mind?"

"I'll help!"

"No," he scatters the tear gems carefully on his lap. "It's almost done. I can do it by myself. You seem tired so you could just wait until this is done..."

You took his face with your hands and kissed him. You pressed your lips against his and closed your eyes shut. He remained unresponsive for a while but then he moved slightly closer. And then he pulled away. You watch him slide five or six pearls through the string until you ask him. "How did you manage to drill tiny holes on them?"

"That's not what you want to ask me."

"Oh?"

He puts down the half-finished necklace and looks at you. "You want to ask why I didn't ask you about kissing me like that...and twice, even."

"Yes, I guess, I wanted to know." You felt your cheeks burn. "I'm sorry. I'm still overwhelmed by all of this. Besides, I want to be affectionate with you. You are my brother, the only family I have left. I just—need to feel connected to you always."

"I understand." Hiei pinches the bridge of his nose again. And then he locks his eyes on yours longer than you expected. "Yukina, I can't come for at least a week starting now. I have errands to run. I need to tell you that because I don't like you looking forward for nothing."

"Thanks for telling me then." You looked away first. Then you looked back again, smiling. "But promise you'll wear the clothes I made you the next time you drop by here in human world, okay?"

You went back to Genkai's place by midnight. Your brother examined his new clothes and you made him promise again that he'll wear it only when he visits here. Hiei said you're weird and this made you feel good about yourself and you don't have to know why. Before he left, Hiei gives you the necklace, already perfect, and it fits around your neck just the way you imagined. He tells you to keep the tear gems to yourself and never give them away, tells you your tears are precious and not just because they're pearls. You kissed him again, this time on his forehead. You also took his hands and kissed them. He doesn't call you weird for this. He jumps off your window, didn't even say goodbye and he doesn't have to. You know for sure now that he will be coming back.

**XXX**

You woke up at ten-thirty.

It was Wednesday and Genkai is out to play poker with some high school students. You remember Genkai telling you that these 'punks' think that they can cheat an old 'geezer' like her so the retired master of the Spirit Wave had fun proving them wrong on that theory. You wished her luck as you packed her lunch, insisting that she should take it.

"What will I do without you, Yukina?"

"Smoke a lot and bully punks?" you suggested with a smile.

She cackles. "Wow, you developed sarcasm just by hanging out with your brother. I'm not sure that's a good thing. And by the way, I already do those kinds of things long before you were around."

"I see." You bid her farewell and to have a safe trip.

The calendar in your room says Kazuma and his sister will be here to take you out to the mall. This got you thrilled. It's been a great week, really. And you can't wait to tell Kazuma and Shizuru about your brother, Hiei, your twin. Shizuru was probably one of the people who knew but you are absolutely positive that Kazuma doesn't. You knew that he loathes your brother and Hiei returns the sentiment on several occasions. But you also knew Kazuma will be happy for you.

You put on some plain shirt and jeans. Kayko helped you pick out some new fashionable human clothes before she went to college. You liked wearing them, they makes you feel part of something, this wonderful society. You sat there brushing your hair and wondering how your brother would think if he sees you wearing anything other than conservative kimono or long skirts.

In a way you wished next week would end so he comes back. But what did he mean by errands? After tidying up the temple, you decided to walk ahead and meet Kazuma and Shizuru halfway. It's possible to bump into them on the side of the street they use as a shortcut. You don't want them to bother walking up the long flight of stairs the temple has anyway.

You go there, purse in hand, humming a song to yourself and you see Hiei. Right there on the opposite side of the crowded street, there was your brother. He wore a bandage around his forehead to hide the Jagan and was talking to a human. They were arguing about something. And then you see the guy wringing his hands up and then he pushed a woman towards Hiei. This woman, you noticed, was crying and all her clothes were torn up. This looks bad, you need to know exactly what's going on. All of a sudden, your brother grabs the guy by his collar and as you were about to shout for him to stop, the woman pushes him off, begging him not to do anything. The guy started running off in panic.

So you stood there, debating on approaching but you were curious of what your brother was still doing here when he said he had errands. Is this the errand he spoke of? You watched as the woman wraps his arms around him and Hiei pats her, his eyes still blazing in rage. She disengages and you can tell she was thanking him a million times. Did she save this woman's life? Who is she?

She started shrieking about her baby, holding her stomach and you kind of did notice that it was round. You took a step forward, quietly as you could. You listen to her berate about that 'asshole' wanting to get rid of her child, how she walked onto something and found herself stranded in some strange, scary place...how Hiei was there. Oh my, it's starting to make sense. This woman must have stepped onto a portal and traveled to demon world. And she's still crying about how she couldn't go back to this place even though she was scared to death from where Hiei came from. And you hear your brother assure her that he'll make her forget about the whole thing, make it seem like a bad dream. But she insisted to remember all of it and she begged Hiei again, on her knees, to take her with him, away from this life.

Your brother didn't give in. You guess his sympathy had a limit. That's when you thought about stepping in to help but there's something in Hiei's eyes that stopped you. So you stayed where you are and kept watching things to unfold.

Hiei takes the woman by her elbows and whispers to her something. They kept talking in hushed voices until Hiei made her walk to some place and you were tempted to follow her. You want to know what sort of crisis your brother is trying to solve. You want to know why he cares so much for that woman. Well, there are obvious reasons. The woman is with child and Hiei has issues with...mothers. And painful situations that involved crying ones.

You walked to meet Kazuma and Shizuru while thinking about your mother's face, a picture that you can't hold for even five seconds. You are going to that mall now, not to your brother who was just ten feet away from you earlier. He must have sensed you. You knew he did. He had the Jagan. So why didn't he walk towards you and explained himself? You have the right to know, you earned that. What was the meaning of last night if he's just going to keep closing doors on you?

Stop thinking about it, you tell yourself over and over as you cross a pedestrian and feel yourself fading into the swarm of humans heading for lives you still try to comprehend and remain fascinated with.


	4. Before the levees break

**XXX**

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**Chapter 4 – Before the levees break**

Never once in your life did you begin to ask if the things you do are questionable. And for some sardonic twist of fate, you are starting to grow a _moral muscle _which not only pisses you off but also gives you terrifying—_feelings_? Such things like those make you want to kill with your bare hands. You had definitely hated being the nice guy people run to; the responsibility of goodness is far more suffocating than the opposite. This wasn't even your fault entirely. There are three women who are to blame for this, you thought.

You don't have to live with her, you tell yourself over and over, but you saw Mukuro so vulnerable these past two years that you stayed just to look out for her. The demon world is in a very prosperous state right now that it confuses you how you manage living in a place that's no longer ripe with havoc, since you're quite accustomed to destruction than order. And Mukuro seems perfectly agreeable with this. You tell yourself that you don't like to be _domesticated_, that you want to be out there in the wild, hunting and killing prey. You don't, at least not anymore. You like this newly found serenity with Mukuro. You like peace.

Not in a million years will you let Mukuro know that though. And hell forbid, your sister!

_Yukina. _The enormous red clouds of the demon world remind you about the same soft, crimson eyes. Her scent that's almost too human now, it engulfs you for a while before you realize that you're thinking about not staying away even when you made a promise to yourself that you have to.

Fuck it, she was right about you. You're just gonna have to admit that now. It was so much easier to believe she didn't know anything and that she'll quietly let things go your way but now she's putting up a good fight about almost everything. But no matter how she might read the book of your life, she will never know the whole story. Maybe she'll get bored. She had to stop somehow. You're not sure if she even means all the things she told you but you're not about to hold her accountable if she turns out to be lying about some of it. You were expecting that. You wanted that...badly enough that you had to stay away for a week. See how this will affect her. There is a part of your brain that screams out your cruelty. You can't be doing this to her, there is no way you can push through your plan of staying away. You needed her. You wanted her. You loved her. Damn it all to the deepest pits of demon world, _you loved her_. You who was raised by no one but grew up anyway, you with the battle scars. You are a wrongdoer, a thug, a thief. You can tame the Black Dragon and probably the only one out there. You've raised your level in the food chain, you claimed a territory, and _you're fucking great_.

Nevertheless, you haven't figured out the proper defense against your twin sister whose arms, once wrapped around you, make you bleed; and whose eyes, moist with angry tears, beg for you to stay.

Why do you want to get defensive around her in the first place? She has no control over you, as you kept justifying, but you didn't believe that. How else can you explain why everything, from the walls of refuge to the art of disconnection you spend your miserable life building, is suddenly rendered and discarded as irrelevant? And all it took was when she claimed that she wants something she can call 'hers' and that could be 'yours' too. You're both so stupid! What made either of you think it could even work? If it does work, what's to say it will still work in the following days? Months? Years? She was right about that. Nothing in life, considering your unlucky streak, is certain. You're not about to dig your own grave again and lie on it. Because something tells you that you might just disappoint her, damage her beyond repair.

Like she isn't already. She keeps going on and on about that. It's not your job to fix her. And it's _not her job to fix you_. That was the basic point why you said goodbye. Because you care. You care enough not to tell her the truth but she figured it out, made all those attempts to keep her in the dark worthless. She makes you feel like a fool. And you're no fool.

Fuck your abandonment and trust issues. This _commitment_ she's asking from you—she should drop it. How? How in hell can you give her what she wants when you don't have it and you never had it?

Perhaps you should stay away for a month and see if that will make her forget about you. But that seems dishonest and you're going to regret making her suffer like that. She's going to make you regret that too. You have to see her...in a week. So okay, you'll stay away _for a week_ and that's _final_. It's not like you miss her. No, it's not like _that_.

You glance around you. There were five of you patrolling the forest. They didn't seem to notice your self-deprecations.

"Hiei! Where the hell are you, bastard! HIEI!"

Ah, the third woman in question has arrived. She looked at you, wobbly as she approached the boulder where you stood immobile. You glared dismissively for a while until your eyes rest on her round stomach she clasped with both hands, like she was about to offer it to you. You look off. "I told you to stay inside."

"Where's my damn food, Hiei?"

"Do you want me to slap you around again just to put you in your place?"

She snorted. Laughed. "_Please._ I've been slapped around by men worse than you and they didn't do it because they care about me. Unlike you."

_Dammit._

You look at her again. "Go back inside, Tonic."

You should negate her statement but when she walked away to do what she was told, you decided not to argue. You didn't care about her, true, but you didn't have to prove that to her. She's not entitled to so many things right now. Still, you kept her around because she was a comforting presence to Mukuro and even though you wouldn't think much about it, she also makes you feel at peace. Most days. Sometimes. Not really. Especially when she's asking you for ridiculous demands like food you don't have, blankets that never seem to be enough for her—or sometimes she'd ask you to hold her stomach because '_the baby is kicking_.' Why the fuck should that be of any concern to you?

"The human bitch getting you down?" The slimy green useless fuck of a demon giggled, poking your foot with his freakishly long claw.

You scoffed, shoving your hands deep inside your pockets as if they repulsed you. And then you kicked him off. "What _doesn't_ get me down?"

"I just don't understand why you keep her around and feed her." The useless fuck kept going on. "She should go back home and die somewhere far away from here, if you ask my opinion."

Another useless fuck interjects. "Maybe, hee-hee, we should, hee-hee, cook her, hee-hee, and that ugly, hee-hee, would-be-offspring of hers, hee-hee!"

"Silence!" You thundered and they shrank away, spineless as they always were. Even with the prosperity and peace of demon world, there is still no guarantee that the creatures who live here are civilized. You're pretty sure that just because many demons are now living in terms of democracy with a supreme authority, it doesn't mean that the smell of rotten flesh and carnage has disappeared. You can still inhale it and this reminds you that this is your home and nowhere else.

You were back in the colony inside Mukuro's chilly bedroom. The bitch insisted that the curtains should cover all the orifices where light may possibly intrude. You never agreed to this arrangement but it's not like Mukuro would take your advice when it comes to her personal space. It's almost seems like she's doing everything to piss you off when you never told her the reasons why you stay with her; like she's trying to drive you mad so you could evacuate and go some place away. Well, she could try, you're much decided on sticking around anyway.

Tonic was surrounded by ten, twelve cushions, handpicked by you when you were in the human world, visiting Kurama. At least that's what you told her. Truth is, Kurama picked them himself, shoving the assortment of pink, frilly pillows into your arms and you try to take them with you without any demon seeing you carry such a disgusting luggage around. That reminds you: Kurama made you promise in the spirit of your _friendship_ that you should come to human world today so you could—what was that term—go "shopping"? What does _that_ even mean?

"Shopping! You mean for the baby!" Tonic catches you on the sleeve, pulling you down on the pillows and you wanted to hit her. But you didn't. She settled comfortably in your arm, petting your hair. "You've been so good to me, Hiei!"

Mukuro was watching. "You're going to buy things for the baby then, Hiei? That's surprisingly and, not to mention, _horrifyingly_ generous of you."

You pried Tonic's hands away and pulled yourself into a proper, dignified sitting position, even amidst the pink abomination of pillows. "It's not my idea so don't make the mistake of giving me the credit."

"Well, it sounds tacky. Not your style at all."

"You don't know me well enough to make presumptions."

"I know you long enough."

Tonic was laughing for some reason. You turned to her and before even asking her, she remarks, "Are we sure that you and Mukuro never tried screwing each other instead of bickering?"

That was new. You hear Mukuro cough something out and then she asked for Tonic to explain. Oh, you don't want to be here to hear this.

"It's simple, really, I mean, whenever I live with a man and we start fighting about the bills or the dirty laundry or my whoring around, we decided to nip the tension in the bud by having sex. Demons have sex too, right? Hiei? Do you have sex?"

You almost pulled out your sword. "Humans are filthy, dumb morons, Tonic. Here I thought I've forgotten my vendetta against your race."

"Gosh, Hiei, ain't you the drama queen! You got a serious case of PMS sometimes."

"PMS?" Mukuro leaned from her half-sluggish poise and inquired. "I don't think I'm familiar with this. It's a human etymology, is it not?"

"Not important--"

"Oh yeah, it's a female hormonal thing, Mumu--"

"Female hormone--"

"I say it's not important!" You stood up, slapping Tonic mildly but she still took it hard on the cheek. She gasped, crawling away. She started screaming, throwing the pillows at you. And then she clutched her stomach and you knew it's the damn contractions again. She's trembling, crying.

"Hiei," Mukuro was still on the same position as she watched you take Tonic by her elbows, trying to calm her breathing. "Don't you know by now that you should never, by any means, assault a pregnant woman?"

She was asking for that slap, you wanted to retort, but you see that this is clearly _your fault_ and so you rush Tonic back to bed and try to get her to relax.

"Sorry," she was saying between gulps of air. "It's none of my business, whatever is up with you and your lady, so, so, sorry, Hiei...oh dear god please don't hate me. You're all I got. Oh please don't hate me."

_Me? All she's got? The fuck?_

"Now you see, you've made her erratic. That's not very nice, Hiei."

"Would you shut up?" You pressed your hands on Tonic's stomach, massaging it in a soothing way and she soon calmed down. The round vessel was soft and fleshy and you wondered if there truly was a baby human being inside it, and how it looks like and if it kicks as hard as Tonic would say. You wanted to find out. Tonic told you that there's only three months left before the baby is due. So, joy, probably, but it's not like you aspire to father an offspring. Why would you, of all demons, want that burden? This has to be the biggest mistake you've committed, providing shelter for this woman and now she's expecting that the privilege will also extend to her child.

"I was going to help but I see you've handled that pretty well." Mukuro was yawning.

"And how were you gonna help, bitch?"

You looked at your obnoxious housemate and waited for her to respond. She wasn't going to, you know, so it surprised you when she had. "I was going to applaud Tonic's insight on our frequent verbal brawls. Perhaps even take into consideration what she had suggested. What do you think, Hiei?"

"Bullshit." You still kept massaging the big stomach that's starting to intimidate you.

"That hurts my feelings." Mukuro uncrosses her legs. "To think that the very idea of sexual engagement with me repulses you--"

"Shut up." You got to get away from these crazy women fast. You stayed with Mukuro not because you wanted to, but you just had to. You can't leave her. You won't leave her. Problem is, it's the same thing with Yukina.

"I'll leave Tonic in your care. I have to meet Kurama now."

**XXX**

Human world is just as bad as you imagined it; that was the impression you formed the first time you traveled here. Over the years it started to change, especially whenever you meet different kinds of humans that represent significant numbers of their race and, as much as you still believe that they're up to no good, there is still that possibility you have considered that maybe some of them can be trusted. You've met quite a few. Right now it bothers you that your sister has a skewed up image about humanity in general and you're not going to like what she's up to just so she could prove to you that human beings are by nature good.

"I thought you were only going to come here to slit my throat, Hiei." Kurama greeted you by the train station. "I find it hard to believe how you meekly agreed to this."

"Meekly agreed? I thought you know me."

"Didn't mean to offend you."

"Sure you do." You walked ahead of him. The crowded streets are unusually scenic even when human air smells stale. You see people in garish clothes walking their children or driving their machinery (these are called "cars" as you found out ever since Kurama began teaching you about the culture of his folk), and all you could think about is blood. Mayhem. Your sister smearing lipstick on her lips even when she's perfection the way she is.

Your sister wants to build a home here and with you; asking you to move to human world and have something you can calls yours. With her.

"Hiei, this is the department store," Kurama was saying. You followed him inside.

"They sell baby merchandise here and stuff?"

"Indeed." Kurama answered. "This particular section is where you can find clothes. And then we'll go to a grocery store for food later, okay?"

"Hmm." You saw a couple of kids throwing what looks to be socks at each other. "Let's just get this over with."

"Then let's go to the baby section."

Baby section turned out to be a large assortment of small clothes intended for human offspring. You couldn't believe what you were seeing: small shirts and pants in all kinds of colors parade themselves on each shelf. These were baby boy clothes. The baby girl clothes are even worse. There were so many flowery designs and hearts and stars and so many pink that you could squeeze the girlishness out of them. There were small mittens, small socks, small hats (and Kurama added that there's a _separate section_ for the small shoes). This is hell, this department store. You have no idea where to begin.

"Now you see why I'm here to accompany you." Kurama was holding a matching pair of blue shirt and slacks, they're so tiny that his hands look huge. "Did Tonic say if the baby is a boy or a girl?"

"Girl." You rub your eyes, the whole display is just too much for your sight. "She said she likes the girl to wear orange and yellow flowers. She was quite specific that her baby should only wear one-piece dresses with ribbons. Yellow or orange ones will do. Nothing red. She hates that color." By hell's flame, did you just recite all of that shit in perfect sequence as she told you?

Kurama was chuckling in the way that you know insults you. "Wow, you actually cared enough to remember all those things?"

"Just shut up and pick whatever that bitch wants so I could get it to her."

"Okay, let me see if I understand." Kurama held a pink dress in view. "Any color of the dress just as long as they have--" he examined the garment. "Oh, here we go! This has orange ribbons."

"Tonic says she doesn't mind blue. Or anything lacy either."

"Again, Hiei, you actually listened. I thought that mind of yours is too crowded with narcissistic thoughts and stuff." He grins. You want to slit his throat.

"How about that thing?" You pointed to a dress. "It's blue and lacy with yellow flowers."

Kurama was laughing. "I'm sorry, Hiei, I can't believe that this is just not my imagination! I'm really going shopping for clothes with you."

You fought the impulse to burn this place with the Dragon. "Is it even possible to shove it in your ass even for an hour?"

"Does sea-green will do?"

"Maybe. Just as long as it's not red."

"Well, okay, how about lavender? This one is quite pretty. Is she okay with mittens? Does she have any specific demands for the baby's socks?"

You paused. "Stripes. Dots. Any kind of color."

Kurama was grinning. He was going to comment again on your memory but it's lucky that the fox has enough self-control.

"Excuse me, sirs, can I help you?" a woman in dark blue uniform approached, smiling.

"Oh, yes. We were hoping you could get us some stripped and dotted socks, please." Kurama bowed his head slightly. "It's for my friend's baby girl."

The saleslady, as she turned out to be, looked at you, keeping her smile intact. "That sounds_ so sweet_! Her daddy is buying her socks! And where would be your wife, sir?"

_The fuck is going on here?_ You could feel your eye twitching. But you had to blend in this facility so you answered. "Sitting in her fat ass at home."

Kurama and the saleslady laughed. He took her by the arm and whispered something. They giggled to themselves, looking over their shoulders to see you standing there, your fists clenched, your eyes blazing in anger.

"What are you doing, you son of a bitch?"

Kurama watched the saleslady go. "She'll be right back. In the meantime, I think we have seven dresses now. It's a good thing I've got my salary early."

"You're really going to pay for all this crap?"

"I don't mind, Hiei. You and I go long way back. Now that you're starting a family, it's only right that I help you with the finances."

Your eye twitched again. "You're enjoying this too much."

"As it turns out, I'm helping you buy this stuff that you can't possibly afford because you don't have the means, and by means, it's means 'money' so that concludes that I can enjoy this however way I want." Kurama chuckled and placed the dresses in your arms. "Are we clear on that?"

"I can't believe I'm doing this." You mutter under your breath, clutching the small dresses that feel soft and frail in your grip.

The saleslady returned. She showed you each stripped and dotted pair of socks, telling you how wonderful it is that fathers are very involved with their children's lives, considering that many of them abandon kids these days. You listened to her ramble about that. And as you take the socks she recommends are the best ones to fit 'your daughter' (her words, you can't be saying that to yourself), she slips and tells you that her own father left even before she learned to walk. Her eyes start to moist and you really, really, _really fucking hate_ seeing women cry. So you grunted 'thanks' and that you'll take it from here, that she's been great and all those polite shit humans say to each other to fake concern (Kurama gave you the 101 on human conversations). And she was gone.

"I'm impressed by the way you handled that." Kurama was saying as you headed to the shoes section. "I was worried that you were going to just stand there and not say anything appropriate."

"I would have."

"I know, and it's so easy to choose to be abrasive especially now that's in your nature." He smiled, patting your shoulder. "The point is, you didn't. That's what matters."

You glared at him and if only you weren't holding the plastic bags with the baby clothes he paid for, you would have punched him.

The next fifteen minutes were wasted on squeaky shoes. Kurama even demonstrated how they would sound like if the shoes are pressed on the floor. This got you thinking of how a human baby would walk around demon world with those shoes that will only make it easier for predators to grab and eat her. You can't let her wear those. That would make you an on-the-clock babysitter all the time. You won't get a chance to take your favorite afternoon naps. And babies cry and needed to be fed too, right? You're sure Tonic can have her share of these duties but she'll probably gonna make you have yours too. And you can say 'no' but you have a vague idea that you might choose to say 'yes' or at least take the baby with you, strap her securely around your body, cover her mouth with a pacifier...and take your nap.

"Hiei, you're too quiet. Is there something you want to tell me?" Kurama was now paying for the shoes.

"Do you think she has to wear that?" You ask.

"Are you worried about something?"

"It might attract demons."

"Well, isn't Tonic going to give birth here in our realm? Hiei, you can't possibly be thinking that she could raise a child in that world."

"I don't." You shake your head, contemplating. "Tonic insists. She said that her daughter can't live in this one because it's a savage place."

"Has she been out of demon world lately?" Kurama frowned. "You know what, if she's serious about having a life for her kid in that place, then I will personally get her back here. It's not safe there, Hiei."

"You care that much?"

"Don't you?"

You took the plastic bag the saleslady handed to you. "Look, I made a mistake about letting her stay with me and Mukuro. That's my problem to deal with. And this child is part of that. I understand that you think I'm out of my mind, letting this woman raise her daughter in a place like demon world. You're right about stopping it. But I don't see why it can't be manageable."

"You're considering this for real, aren't you?" Kurama trailed behind you. "Do you know what you're getting into?"

You honestly don't know. "The girl can grow up in demon world just as much as she can here in this world."

"But not normally." Kurama interjected. "I thought you were the right person to understand this, Hiei."

You stopped on your tracks. You don't want to look at him but you retorted. "Because I didn't grow up normally? Because my childhood is a wreck?"

"I'm sorry--"

"Not everyone likes the 'warmth and love' of human world, Kurama, don't make that erroneous assumption because you like it here."

"And you prefer that a human girl grows up in the same way you and Mukuro had? You think it wise? You think it fair?"

You finally turned to him. "Screw that. You think I care about what's best for the baby? You think this is why I'm discussing this with you?"

"Are you that delusional?" Kurama raised his voice. "You do care, you pathetic bastard! You're buying clothes for her. You're providing her mother a shelter, you and Mukuro are! You care enough to let me know what your plans are for her future and she hasn't been born yet! Don't act like a selfish gruff, Hiei, it's getting too old, and you know it."

This can't be happening. You believed he was right but you don't want to accept it. Hearing him point the obvious made you feel ashamed for some reason. You go back to the first three days with Tonic and how even Mukuro welcomed her. You remember how that round stomach felt like in your hands as you touched it, wondering if it responds to you. And a few days back when your sister wanted you, when she says that she loves you, loves you? Loves you like you even deserve it? Deserve her?

Kurama was saying something. You tried to listen. "I'll buy the rest of the stuff and give it to you later. I'll be in Demon World later tonight. Go home, Hiei."

Everyone keeps telling you where you belong, where you should go home to. You're so sick of it. But you headed back to the world of rotten flesh and carnage for now.

**XXX**

Mukuro and Tonic raided the clothes with enthusiasm that was in every female. They seem happy that you brought these things, like it would even make anything else feel better now that it's not. You watched them held up the dresses to each other, commenting on the fabric and the color and how Hina will look when she wears them--

--_Hina_?

Mukuro saw how your expression must have looked liked because she answered. "Tonic and I agreed that it's a lovely name."

_Hina._

You approached them. "We need to talk about the living arrangements."

"What's the matter?" Tonic blinked at you.

"I think you should go back to human world." You waited for them to challenge you with your decision but the two women just sat there and listened for you to go on. "Kurama and I agreed that it's the best place to raise your baby, Tonic."

"Her name is Hina."

"And she needs all the resources in order to grow up normally. She can find it there and I think you know it, Tonic. And I know you're here to run away and hide from the men who want you dead."

You can see Tonic's hands trembling.

"But Kurama and I will do everything in our power to keep you safe."

Mukuro adjusted from her position. She took Tonic's hand. "I think Hiei has come to his senses. This is what's best for you and Hina."

You glared at Mukuro as you waited for Tonic's answer.

"Can I think about this?" she asks.

"No." You said. "I'm not going to let you think about it. You can think about how you're going to bring your child to the right world she should be born into once you are there."

"But will you be around? And this Kurama person?"

"Yes." You knelt down to meet her gaze. Her fear was evident.

"But where? Where could me and Hina stay?"

And this is when Mukuro stood up. You haven't seen her stand so tall and assured like this for a very long time. "Hiei has a place in mind, does he not?"

You looked at her. And then you looked at Tonic. You answered. "My sister lives with a retired spirit master in a temple located high on the mountains. You'll be safe there."

"Your sister? This is news to me. Does she know?"

"Not yet. But I will tell her."

And this is when Tonic pulls you into an embrace, sobbing violently into your shoulder. You didn't hold her. But you let her cry.

Mukuro held your stare the whole time. She doesn't need you to explain. And you didn't have to. You're leaving her. There's nothing to it. This was going to happen sooner or later and you've already thought of your goodbyes. No moment should be shared. For a while the three of you knew that this is unavoidable and you all took your time to search through the ruins and live another day.

***

**A/N: Download "Maybe Tomorrow" by Stereophonics, "Crashed" by Chris Daughtry, "Dear Angel" by April the 6****th**** and "Bad Habits" by Michael Tolcher. It's the perfect theme songs for the twins, trust me!**


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